


All That You Are is All That I'll Ever Need

by ialwayscatchtheclock



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A little bit of Nouis, Coffeeshop AU, Depressed Louis, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Louis, Suicide Attempt, Uni AU, before he meets harry obviously, harry just wants louis to be okay, niall and louis make out sometimes maybe a little more than that, niall is a supportive bff as usual, they meet at a coffeeshop whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-01-23 20:38:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18557419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ialwayscatchtheclock/pseuds/ialwayscatchtheclock
Summary: Louis isn't happy. He's depressed, and school, work and his inability to stop distancing himself from anyone who's ever cared about him isn't helping. He's not who he used to be and he knows it but finds himself unable to become that person again. Then, a beautiful boy with curly hair and painted fingernails comes along and just won't quit until Louis lets him in.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Woah welcome to my first ao3 fic!! Just a warning, there are mentions of self harm and suicide in this fic so please proceed carefully if you are affected by this. Enjoy!!

The sun has just begun to rise above London and Louis hasn’t yet slept. Exam week is taking a toll on him and he’s already so burnt out from working 6 days a week at the coffeeshop and taking six classes at the same time that he feels like he’s suffocating. Sometimes he just needs to sit and breathe in the morning before anyone else is up. He knows his roommate, Niall, is just trying to help but he feels smothered when he constantly asks Louis if he’s doing okay and trying to tend to his every need when all Louis needs is space. Louis gets it—they’re best mates and louis has had his share of struggles in the past to warrant a little concern, but it doesn’t help him any. 

He feels guilty that instead of studying or doing something productive, he’s watching the sun rise above the buildings, illuminating a town that once felt like home to him but now feels foreign. He knows he’ll survive but he’s having one of his lowest lows where he feels like living really wasn’t made for him. 

Louis knows it’s time to wrap up his thought session but before he can, he’s ripped from his mind when he hears a large crash coming from inside his flat. Louis slides the screen door open and steps off the balcony and back inside and sees Niall standing in the kitchen, surrounded by the contents of their cabinets, laughing loudly.

“Niall, I don’t know why you’re laughing mate, we have a step stool for a reason. I’m not sure how many times I need to tell you that you’re 5’7, not 6’0,” Louis says, half-jokingly, the other half is pure annoyance. Niall is so clumsy; he’s always breaking their dishes and staining their furniture. 

“5’7 is average, okay? I was just trying to grab a pot, wanted some spaghetti,” Niall says, flashing his annoyingly charming smile, already filling a pot with water.

“Are you stoned? It’s 7 am.” Niall doesn’t say anything, as he turns the burner on and pulls a chair up to the stove. “Niall,” louis repeats.

“Fine, yeah, I had a really strong edible earlier and I need to eat something.”

“Fuck, I wish I could get stoned on a week night and somehow still manage to pass every course but instead I’m spiralling again, Ni.” As soon as those words leave Louis’ lips, he wants to take them back, but he can’t. He had been doing so well keeping Niall off his case and now all of his hard work is for nothing.

“Lou, what’s wrong? Is there anything I can—” Niall is cut off before he can finish his sentence.  
“I’m fine. Just leave it, I shouldn’t have said anything,” Louis says firmly hoping Niall believes him and leaves it be. He doesn’t need another semester of hospital visits and nightly checks for any harm he may have done to himself.

“Just because I’m stoned doesn’t mean I’m any less concerned. I’m sure you can understand why I would be so worried about you, mate, I don’t want to see you get hurt again. I knew things were getting worse, you haven’t been yourself lately, I'm just so fucking scared of finding you bleeding out in a bathtub again Louis!” Niall says. Louis knows he means well but he’s getting so damn tired of people telling him that he hasn’t been himself lately. It’s hard to act like the person he used to be when he’s almost unrecognizable. Louis used to be good at pretending that he was okay, still going out to parties, hanging out with the lads, going out on dates. All of that stopped after Niall found him in the bathtub, unconscious and just barely clinging to life.

“I’m so fucking fed up with hearing that line, okay? I haven’t been like how you imagine me in a long time. I’m not that person anymore. I can’t pretend that I want to go out and party and socialise with people who pretend to care when I don’t care about that stuff anymore.” Louis takes a long breath and Niall stays silent, knowing Louis is trying to collect his thoughts. They’ve had similar conversations many times, albeit, the last one was probably six months ago now, shortly after Louis’ suicide attempt. "I’ll be fine, okay? This isn’t like last time, but you should probably let go of who I used to be. That’s not me anymore,” Louis finishes.

“Lou, it is you though, I see that glimmer you used to have peeking through sometimes and I know that is you. I’m not asking you to party with me every weekend, I just want you to come out with us for a pint once in a while, the lads miss you,” Niall says, somber in tone. Louis is getting tired of Niall speaking like this so often. He used to be so bouncy and bright and energetic and it seems like Niall can’t be himself around Louis anymore because he’s always so worried about him. Louis knows this is his fault, but Niall has only been himself a handful of times with him in the last six months, scared to say or do anything that might upset him. It was never Niall’s fault that Louis had decided to take a razor blade to his wrists, but he knows in his heart that Niall blamed himself for not being there for him more and that’s his reason for going into full on protective mode. 

“I’m not glad I’m depressed either, okay? I hate knowing what I’m doing to you but these days it seems like I can’t help it,” louis sighs before saying, “I need to get going, I have a class at 8:00.” 

“Okay, Lou, have a good day. I love you, okay?” Niall says, big blue eyes pleading with him.  
“Yeah, love you too,” he says back before grabbing his bag and leaving the flat. On his way to the tube, he plays the conversation over in his head. He’s upset because he managed to avoid talking about his feelings since the last conversation they had had after the attempt and he felt like Niall was easing up a little but with the added stress of exams, Louis couldn’t help but talk about what was on his mind. 

Despite his obvious annoyance toward Niall lately, he was still his best friend and he had been there through everything with Louis. He loves Niall more than anyone and knows what he is doing to him, but he can’t stop. It’s not like they never hangout, they sit on the couch nearly every night and watch telly together, but they don’t hangout like they used to. They don’t joke around like they used to. They don’t interact like they used to. It feels like the one last good thing in Louis’ life is fading away like everything else already had.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! I know I've been gone forever but I'm back at uni and new chapters are coming!! Sorry if this chapter is a little rushed, I just wanted to get it out and I'll be editing it tomorrow! Enjoy :)

Louis steps out into the sun the morning after the fight with Niall, hoping it will make him feel better but doubtful it is even possible. He thinks about the memories he’s had in the spot he is standing—right outside their apartment door, which has its own set of outdoor steps. He remembers all the nights stumbling home and yelling with friends, so drunk he couldn’t even see but not having a care in the world. He misses those days but knows ultimately, he can’t get hurt if he doesn’t let anyone in.

Louis and Niall hadn’t really spoken about what had happened again. Louis assumes it had nothing to do with Niall’s worries going away and everything to do with the fact that Louis lives with him and therefore can’t get away with much. He doesn’t leave the apartment much and when he does it's to go to work and Niall knows his schedule so it’s not like he can slip away for longer and do something rash. 

Louis felt bad about what had happened the day before and he knew it was his own fault he’s so fucked up, so he ended up spending some time with Niall later that night and just watched a movie and had a couple beers. Okay, maybe more than a couple, Louis still enjoys drinking, just inside the comfort of his own home. If you could even call it “enjoy,” more like tolerate because it makes him forget reality. 

Still standing on the balcony, Louis remembers what happened the night before after the beer he had, after all his tolerance to alcohol isn’t what it used to be and after about four, he became pretty buzzed. Niall had obviously had more; he can hold his alcohol a lot better and after about seven or eight drinks he was on a similar level of intoxication to Louis. He can’t remember who started it first, but he remembers them making out the night before while Titanic played in the background –Niall’s pick obviously, Louis hates romance movies. This happened every once in awhile when they got too drunk. He remembers being on top of Niall, straddling him, hands weaved in his blonde hair and grazing his tongue with his own.

They hadn’t done this in a very long time, but they used to hook up quite often. Louis remembers nights they had gone out drinking and only to come home to make out and have sex. The arrangement was great, neither of them had feelings for one another so there was no worry about that, and their friendship remained the same during the day while sober. Everything changed after Louis’ attempt. Sure, he had stopped going out so much anyway which could’ve been part of it, but he couldn’t remember the last time they had done this. It felt nice to do something they had done before their lives fell apart because of him. 

Louis focuses back on the previous night and tries to remember how it had ended but he can’t. He wonders if he can even face Niall after everything. Usually everything was okay, and they would just laugh it off, but it’s been months since they’ve done anything like that, and Louis isn’t sure how to face the situation. Maybe Niall hated it because Louis wasn’t the same as he was the last time they had hooked up. Maybe he thought it was disgusting that he had even been with Louis. Before he could think too hard about it, he hears a sound behind him as he looks off the balcony, gazing at the way the sun illuminates the coffee shop a couple blocks away and he remembers he needs to work at 5:00. 

“Louis!” he hears Niall yell from behind him as he turns around to see Niall standing in the kitchen wearing only his boxer briefs. Louis lets his eyes wander and remembers why he started hooking up with Niall in the first place. Absolutely no romantic interest is involved but the lad is one of the fittest guys Louis has ever seen. His skin is visibly soft and clear and his abs poke through just enough to look like he works out but not enough to look buff which is just how Louis likes it. And his ass… well his ass was a whole other thing Louis is trying to avoid thinking about right now, or else things could get even more awkward than they already are. “Oh, Louis, there you are mate, I checked your bedroom and got a little worried,” Niall says nonchalantly, and Louis knows he’s trying to be casual about it.

“Yeah, I come out here every morning, Ni, you should know that by now,” Louis says with a small laugh, matching Niall’s laissez faire attitude. 

“Lou, you drank a lot last night, I figured you’d still be sleeping off the hangover.”

“And why aren’t you,” Louis snaps a little too harshly. He knows this is Niall’s way of saying ‘You weren’t in your room, so I came down here to make sure you didn’t try to kill yourself again.’

“Woah, just making sure you’re okay and you know I always get up at the same time regardless of how much I’ve had to drink. I can handle my alcohol a lot better than you, so not much of a hangover anyway.” Louis sighs before responding.

“Sorry Ni, I’m just a little on edge, don’t want you worrying about me and plus last night was—” Louis trails off, not knowing exactly what to say about the night before.

“What about last night? We didn’t even do anything so don’t worry, we made out a little and then we went to bed,” Niall says, flicking on the telly, completely unbothered by last night’s activities.

“Oh,” Louis breathes, “I wasn’t worried, it’s just we haven’t done that in a while, so I didn’t know how you felt about it,” Louis says, trying to keep up the façade that he doesn’t really care about what happened last night either. 

“Know how I felt about it? We’ve done that a million times Louis, last night was no different. I had fun,” the other boy says. Louis knows this is Niall’s way of reassuring him that even though he knows full well how fucked up he is, he doesn’t care and something they’ve always done hasn’t changed. Louis appreciates this probably more than he should considering it’s about hooking up with his best mate and housemate but, he’ll take any sense of normalcy he can. 

“Oh, err o-okay, yeah me too, Ni,” Louis stutters out after a moment of silence. “Well I need to go shower and get ready for class.” He’s honestly surprised that Niall had fun, he really expected him to say he regretted it and it wouldn’t happen again, but it was nice to know Niall was acting somewhat normal around him despite the circumstances. He is still clearly worried about Louis and is eager to check up on him anytime he can. Louis can’t really blame him because if it was reversed and Niall was emotionally unstable and had tried to kill himself, Louis would be all over that, making sure Niall was okay. It just wasn't ideal. Louis just wanted a little room to breathe. 

After showering and saying bye to Niall, Louis walks out of his apartment complex and a few blocks to the tube. He rides the tube for a few minutes until he reaches his stop and gets off. As he’s walking up the stairs to the street, he hears someone call his name. “Louis!” the voice calls from a few steps behind him, as he reaches the top of the steps, he moves to the side out of the way and scans the crowd behind him for a familiar face and finally lands on Liam Payne.

“Oh, hey, Liam! I thought that was you!” He didn’t think that, it’s just something people say to make conversation.

“Hey, man! What’s new with you? Haven’t seen you around much,” Liam says, which really translates to ‘what’s been more important than coming out drinking and partying every weekend?’

“Oh, I’ve just been really busy with work and trying to keep my grades up. I miss you and the lads though!” This is actually true, Louis does miss Liam and the lads, they are genuinely nice people and if Louis didn’t have such a big issue letting people in for risk of being hurt, he would’ve kept in contact with them, but he can’t put himself at risk like that—not when his mental health is already so damaged. 

“Yeah mate, we miss you too, you should come out sometime soon,” Liam says with his brown eyes almost pleading with Louis. It almost seems like Liam Genuinely cares about him, but Louis knows better. If he let him in to see the real Louis, he would leave, and Louis would be left even more broken than before. 

“Yeah, for sure, sometime soon.” That was definitely not true, Louis just wanted out of the conversation. “Listen mate, I need to run because I have class, but we’ll catch up later, yeah?” Louis says, already turning toward the direction of the university on the street,

“Yeah definitely man, see you around,” Liam says with a smile before turning in the opposite direction. 

Louis tries to push the conversation with Liam out of his head, knowing realistically that even if he wanted to go out with the lads, there would be no point in going because he would find one way or another to ruin it. He just can’t imagine he’d be fun to go out with in his current state. 

He reaches the university with ten minutes to spare before his first class, Abnormal Psychology, which is probably a good thing as there is a girl who’s always trying to steal Louis’ window seat. He sits down and pulls out his laptop, ready to spend the next hour and a half online shopping instead of paying attention—all of the notes would be online anyway, and this professor is literally getting paid just to read the PowerPoints, so Louis doesn’t care much. 

The rest of the day goes mostly well, as well as it can anyway, given the circumstances. Louis just kind of glides through life on autopilot not really thinking about much until it’s time to start his shift at the coffee shop. 

He walks into the shop and immediately has to put a smile on his face, it’s the one place he can still keep up his “I’m happy” façade. He actually really enjoys the shop, most people are nice to him and it's the one thing Louis can actually take pride in because he knows he's good at his job. He goes around back of the counter and says hello to the barista Hannah, who is about to end her shift when Louis starts his. Only one barista is required at a time except in the morning when it’s most busy. Although the shop is located close to the university, it’s right down the street from a Starbucks, so it’s not the most popular hangout for the students. 

Louis grabs his apron and goes to clock in, it’s still an old punch card system as the coffee shop owner, Margaret, bless her heart, didn’t believe in the new technology, whatever that meant. After punching his card, Louis goes to the counter and lets Hannah know she’s alright to go. He’s a few minutes early but that’s nothing new, he likes seeing the extra couple pounds on his paycheque for coming in early and staying late to clean up. 

About an hour later there are only a couple customers in the store and Louis hasn’t had anyone come to the cash to buy anything in about 45 minutes-- which makes sense at it’s a little after 6pm and everyone is likely home for supper. Louis decides to make some scones as they’re running low and they’ll need some for the rush tomorrow morning. He heads over to the kitchen, which has a window to see into the sitting area so he can keep an eye on the customers and the counter while he works. He grabs the ingredients and starts by putting a little flour on the counter for when he needs to knead the dough. Of course, as soon as he does this the bell on the door rings to signal a customer and he hears the person walk up to the counter. He pops his head out the window to let them know he’ll be second because he needs to wash his hands, but he finds himself unable to speak. Standing at the cash is the most beautiful boy he has ever seen.

g

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the chapter!!! Feel free to follow me on tumblr (phaseslunaires or romanticbropals for my Larry blog) I'd really love your feedback or just to chat!! Moll xx


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